The Nightly Poop » Politics

Scottish Justice Minister Pardons All of D.C.

FYT — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 02:22:39 +0000

MacAskill: "My Bad"

WASHINGTON – At the request of President Obama, Scotland’s Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill visited Washington Monday to pardon everyone. Well, almost everyone. MacAskill was only suppose to pardon the President, Congress, Senate, and the Supreme Court. Unfortunately, he inadvertently pardoned the entire District of Columbia, creating widespread chaos across the area.

In a related story, Charles Manson asked for extradition to Scotland, claiming he is crazy and dying of “Whatever that Libyan has.”

Ahmadinejad to Put Women in Cabinet, If They Fit

FYT — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 19:16:02 +0000

TEHRAN – Earlier today Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he would like to place a few female ministers in his new cabinet.

When asked to clarify, Ahmadinejad said, “I’m not sure, after I move the dishes out and shelves around, I should be able to get at least two in there.”

Oregon Adopts Hair-Care Reform, Elderly Left Mad and Matted

FYT — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 03:49:32 +0000

SALEM, OR – The Oregon Legislature adopted sweeping, one-payer, public Hair-Care Reform last week. While most are tolerating longer lines, and hair, Alma Locmess (92) tells a different story. Locmess claims, “That stylist tried to kill me during my shampoo!”

State Rep. Myra Stikmud countered, “I seriously doubt her story, that would waste a perfectly good shampoo.” “Approximately 80% of all Hair-Care costs have been attributed to end-of-life appointments,” Stikmud stated, adding “We encourage citizens like Ms. Locmess to conform to our Later-Life, Longer-Locks With Dignity mandatory counseling program.”

The Age Of Nefarious

FYT — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 23:57:27 +0000

more about “The Age Of Nefarious by Doug Giles & …“, posted with vodpod

Researchers: Malaria Came From Congress

FYT — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:00:07 +0000

WASHINGTON – U.S. Researchers reported yesterday that Malaria may have jumped to humans from Congressmen, much like AIDS did. Genetic analysts believe the responsible human parasite is a direct descendant of the Congressional parasite, Taxmodium falsespeakarum. Researchers are trying to make a vaccine but, as scientist Gloria Smart notes, “We just can’t understand how it jumped species.“

Sotomayor Picks Up GOP Supporter, Injures Back

FYT — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 02:54:26 +0000

WASHINGTON — Chanting, “I would hope I’m stronger than a white man!” Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor unexpectedly picked-up Republican Sen. Judd Gregg outside the Capital today. Though she ruptured her L-5 disc, her efforts landed the support of the New Hampshire Senator. “I’m for any woman who throws her back out for me,” Gregg explained.

Clunker Coaches For Congress

FYT — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 02:38:40 +0000

OP ED (Beast) – You have got to be kidding me! As I lay around my food bowl contemplating the “Cash for Clunkers” news I hear something even more baffling – Lou Holtz running for Congress. The last thing the GOP needs right now is that nut. Why not have Bruno as his running-mate while we’re at it. Holtz is the same guy who said Adolph Hitler was a better leader than Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez. His expert analysis is often highlighted by quips such as, “He had shoulder surgery on his elbow.” It makes a guy wanna chew on his back leg. My human better get that damn plastic umbrella collar ready. I guess there is one MAJOR upside – I can start watching ESPN again. RUF!

Dems: “Do or Die” – Pollsters: “Die Already”

FYT — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 01:48:51 +0000

WASHINGTON – Democratic Health Care Reform proponents today asserted that, “The time has come” to “Do or Die.” Their constituents agreed and offered their suggestions.

The results of The Nightly Poop poll found:
74% chose “Die Already”
18% chose “Get dragged behind a hybrid”
6% chose “Try to deliver a pizza to that crazy Harvard professor’s house”
2% chose “Do”

Like most other polls, The Nightly Poop poll claims to be scientific. We were wearing lab coats and those clear goggles when calling most people.

Astronaut Notes Fewer Baby Animals

FYT — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 17:05:08 +0000

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida – While aboard the International Space Station today, Canadian astronaut Robert Liliwhite said the earth looks different than he remembers it when he orbited seven years ago.

“I could be wrong but I see more carbon gas down there and fewer small baby animals,” Liliwhite said. “It makes me teary, but I find solace in food. Usually fennel and tofu cheer me up,“ Liliwhite added.

He won’t get a lot of sympathy from some of his more manly crew-mates. Tom Buck, also on the flight, reports “We typically ignore him, otherwise there’s a lot of ranting and crying if we get into it too much.”

When asked what he worries about the most, Liliwhite blurted, “Popping-it, definitely! The thin layer around the earth is so fragile, sometimes I worry we may pop it when we blast thru.”

Health Care Made Easy

FYT — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:43:39 +0000

Also Accepted in Canada and the UK