Muffet Likes Kurds

HAVANA – NY Times Food critic Cindy Muffet left Havana in such a hurry that she had to abandon her delicious Caribbean waffles. “I had a great opportunity to fly to Iraq and visit the Kurds” she explained. Muffet added, “I like the Kurds, they make delicious snacks.”

The New "Kennedy Space Center"

Merritt Island, FL - In honor of the late Senator Ted Kennedy, NASA today announced plans to rename the Kennedy Space Center to “Kennedy Space Center.” NASA Director Bill Tuttlemizon explained, “We wanted to do something, we’re in a budget crunch, and this will save on related sinage and pamphlet costs. It is what we call a ‘win-win’ here at NASA.”

FBI Releases Profile of Unsub

QUANTICO – Law-enforcement agencies across the nation have been critical of the FBI’s profilers lately. As Dallas Police Chief Bob Tucker explained, “All they gave us was literally a profile. Hell, it was really more of a silhouette.” Lead Profiler Kevin Sanderson responded, “No it isn’t. Clearly it shows the Unsub has blue eyes and red lips. THAT is NOT a silhouette!”

Bill Gets Weak, Rushes to Canada

MIAMI – The U.S. National Hurricane Center today downgraded Hurricane “Bill” to “Jaime” because it had weakened considerably and is rushing toward Canada. Director Bruce Spurton noted, “If it continues to wuss-out, it’ll be further downgraded Sunday…probably to “Eugene” or even “Nancy-Boy.” Spurton added, “We’re hoping this global warming thing will give us a good ‘Burt’ or ‘Harry’ by year’s end.”

Provo's "Dolly" Llama

Provo, UT – Today local media gathered outside Burl Jonas’ ranch. His 8 year old Llama “Dolly” laid claim to be the next religious leader of Tibet. Initially spooked by the crowd, Dolly screamed “Wolf!” repeatedly. An alert reporter quickly responded, “BAA, RAM, EWE. TO YOUR BREED, YOUR FLEECE, YOUR CLAN BE TRUE. LLAMA BE TRUE. BAA, RAM, EWE.” Dolly immediately calmed down and gave details about her upcoming historic journey to Tibet.

When asked to clarify, Ahmadinejad said, “I’m not sure, after I move the dishes out and shelves around, I should be able to get at least two in there.”

Local bar owner Rick Landry alerted Eagles security, who detained Vick until police arrived. Police discovered two fighting roosters, three sets of mini boxing gloves, and a book, Fighting Animals for Dummies, in the vehicle. Vick said, “Everyone deserves a second chance…damn, I guess that was it.”

State Rep. Myra Stikmud countered, “I seriously doubt her story, that would waste a perfectly good shampoo.” “Approximately 80% of all Hair-Care costs have been attributed to end-of-life appointments,” Stikmud stated, adding “We encourage citizens like Ms. Locmess to conform to our Later-Life, Longer-Locks With Dignity mandatory counseling program.”