The Nightly Poop » Local

NASA to Rename Kennedy Space Center to “Kennedy Space Center”

FYT — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 00:16:27 +0000

The New "Kennedy Space Center"

Merritt Island, FL - In honor of the late Senator Ted Kennedy, NASA today announced plans to rename the Kennedy Space Center to “Kennedy Space Center.” NASA Director Bill Tuttlemizon explained, “We wanted to do something, we’re in a budget crunch, and this will save on related sinage and pamphlet costs. It is what we call a ‘win-win’ here at NASA.”

Local Lays Claim to Tibetan Religious Title

FYT — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 02:49:00 +0000

Provo's "Dolly" Llama

Provo, UT – Today local media gathered outside Burl Jonas’ ranch. His 8 year old Llama “Dolly” laid claim to be the next religious leader of Tibet. Initially spooked by the crowd, Dolly screamed “Wolf!” repeatedly. An alert reporter quickly responded, “BAA, RAM, EWE. TO YOUR BREED, YOUR FLEECE, YOUR CLAN BE TRUE. LLAMA BE TRUE. BAA, RAM, EWE.” Dolly immediately calmed down and gave details about her upcoming historic journey to Tibet.

Viagra Allows Man to “Hold His Own”

FYT — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 03:16:17 +0000

Man Holds His Own

Cave City, AR – Billy “Cowboy Poet” Sanders has more confidence now since he got his new meds. While competing in a local poetry competition Sanders said, “I can finally hold my own, if you get my drift.” He still has a ways to go as he explained, “Now I hope I can hold my own with the gals. Ever since the judge told me I had to stay an ‘arm’s length away’ from ‘em I been pretty bummed-out…then again I got short arms hehe!”

PETA Raid Frees Six Monkeys

FYT — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 01:54:58 +0000

SAN DIEGO – PETA today raided a local toy store and freed six monkeys. The monkeys were reportedly trapped in restrictive barrels “to the point of being frozen in awkard, horrible hooked positions,” said Cornelius Roberts. Roberts also hinted at plans to free a number of “little ponies that one guy is apparently hoarding.”

Oregon Adopts Hair-Care Reform, Elderly Left Mad and Matted

FYT — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 03:49:32 +0000

SALEM, OR – The Oregon Legislature adopted sweeping, one-payer, public Hair-Care Reform last week. While most are tolerating longer lines, and hair, Alma Locmess (92) tells a different story. Locmess claims, “That stylist tried to kill me during my shampoo!”

State Rep. Myra Stikmud countered, “I seriously doubt her story, that would waste a perfectly good shampoo.” “Approximately 80% of all Hair-Care costs have been attributed to end-of-life appointments,” Stikmud stated, adding “We encourage citizens like Ms. Locmess to conform to our Later-Life, Longer-Locks With Dignity mandatory counseling program.”

Man Misunderstands, Drowns Friend

FYT — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 01:54:22 +0000

CHICAGO – While taking a break from their first adult swimming lesson, top evolution theorist, Gil Lunblat (39) exclaimed, “I’m a fish out of water, I feel like a fish out of water!” Acting on reflex, Harrison Lofton threw his friend back into the pool’s deep-end, drowning him. Lofton explained, “I thought he meant he was part fish and really, really needed water.” “I guess I still don’t understand all these theories.”

“Squeaky” Fromme to Be Released, Vows To Only Drive Fords

FYT — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 01:15:11 +0000

CARSWELL, TX – 34 years after pointing a gun at President Gerald Ford, Manson follower Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme (60) returns to the free-world. “Squeaky Clean,” as she was known to her fellow inmates, says she is ready to make amends. Fromme stated, “I am changed. Now I like everything Ford. I vow to buy a Ford and only drive Ford’s from this day forward.” When asked about other plans, Fromme said though she has put Manson behind her, “His music still inspires me; I plan to try-out for American Idol.”

Idiot Returns Home, No Longer Blithers

FYT — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:53:10 +0000

CHICAGO – Friends and family welcomed Lester Brown home with open arms. Lester (37), considered by many, to be one of the nation’s biggest idiots, was released from The Institute for the Senselessly Talkative on Saturday. Lester‘s wife, Helga reported, “They tell us the intervention was a success and Lester should never blither again.” Mr. Brown refused comment and actually didn’t say much to anyone.

Smithereens Welcome Unexpected Guest

FYT — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 20:42:49 +0000

STRATFORD, TEXAS – The Smithereen family had an exciting day. They experienced one of the worst dust storms in recent memory and, when the dust had cleared, found little Mary Tissey by the barn.

Mary (7) had been playing outside, three miles away, at her farm when the storm hit. “She’s a real light, tiny little thing” John Smithereen noted, adding “Thank goodness she was only blown this far!”

Taco Bell Chihuahua Dead, Michael Vick Person of Interest

FYT — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 02:37:42 +0000

LOS ANGELES – Taco Bell’s canine symbol, Gidget (15/105) died Tuesday. Michael Vick is being sought as a person of interest.

He is described as “that famous NFL quaterback who just got out of prison for abusing dogs.”

Vick was last seen near the funeral, shortly before the disappearance of Gidget’s tiny gold-plated coffin.